Legen..Wait for it..

Last year was an interesting journey. Now, don’t get me wrong - I’ve had a few interesting years in my time, but this one was different. This one ended with opening doors and not hopelessly trying to cling to crossed bridges. 

I started 2011 in a relationship I despised, working at a job I hated and carrying excess baggage. Needless to say it wasn’t a fantastic start. It progressed to a lot of situations I still find myself trying to justify. I met people, I found places. I worked, I studied, I medicated and I stressed. I did, however, overturn a leaf - or five. 

I really think my biggest step last year was closure. Nothing feels as liberating as letting go of a past love. I look back at June/July and giggle at how ridiculous I was, how convinced I was of oh-so many strange wants/needs/desires.

Maybe it’s being free from medication or maybe it’s the healthy environment or some amazing combination of the both (I side with the latter), but I feel like I have a new level of clarity (Can nearly finish the daily by myself..) but I feel like I have this outstanding ability to rationally think through situations. I feel like I can truthfully say “hey, it’s gonna be alright, and you know it!”

University paper acceptance is a bit messy and job situation is iffy but instead of stressing constantly (hey.. a little stress is normal), I’ve simply taken a step back and made the necessary moves to smooth things out, and voila! a job interview on Tuesday. 

I’m not sure how much other people may agree but I feel like I’ve matured a lot recently, I’ve been willingly facing my problems and taken on my adult responsibilities with what I feel like has been a decent degree of grace and elegance. 

So far this year has gone pretty well, and I plan to continue writing this new chapter to a pleasant tone. There will be fretting, panicking, stress eating and sleeping in, that I can pretty much guarantee. But you and I can rest assured that these will not rule my life any more.  

Let’s just say I’ve started 2012 off medication free, in a healthy stable relationship, in a new and exciting home life and a whole shiny new approach to life. 

P.s -Thomas, I guess you deserve a giant thank you. For not trying to ‘fix’ me but for being the start of the stability I so dearly needed to make that journey on my own. For being a best friend. For being the support, the family and the company I look forwards to taking with me the rest of my life. 

When people act like immature little shits.

When you try and be mature about the situation, when you realise what you need to do for you, what will make you feel better.

And then they turn around and guilt trip the fuck out of you, thus impairing your ability to be happy. The funny part is, they were dragging you down before, but they don’t even realise that it’s so much worse now, which makes it so much easier to want them gone.

There’s a difference between misplaced affections and knowing what you want, and what you need.

It’s not my fault we don’t work, it’s not my fault I fell for him so fast.

It’s not my fault he is amazing, and it’s not my fault you can’t be less petty and more mature about this all.

Sometimes you need to stop and evaluate your situation. Evaluate the people, evaluate your actions. Prioritise. Let go of those hindering your progress. Seriously look at how you feel about certain people. Are they there for your benefit? Are they holding you back? Are they contributing? Are you doing this for you?

I know what I want, but so often, and you’ll find many others are the same, I let people get in the way. The wrong people. Those who you are surrounded by should, even though it may involve you going, be encouraging you to live out your dreams, encouraging you to learn and experience the world.

Is being there for you dragging me down..?

I love when you get to this stage.

The stage where the effects have plateaued. 

The stage where you can’t feel anything.

The stage where you just do whatever the fuck pops into your mind because you genuinely can’t feel/think.

The impulsive irrational stage.

The numb stage.

Cue self-destruction.

Over the next few weeks, heck, at this rate, over the next few days, I will lose every ounce of motivation, sympathy, rationality, love, energy.

I won’t want anything or anyone.

I can hardly feel anything right now, with one exception, and dear god I wish I couldn’t feel this. 

I miss him, like no one could possibly even begin to understand. I haven’t known him long, not at all, but he came swooping in and it was amazing, he is amazing. And I absolutely cannot wait for October 24th when he gets back. Feels like so far away, and he’s already giving up hope, he’s already saying it’s difficult and that.. he doesn’t know. Well I know. I know the feelings he described, I know that state of confusion and the huge contrast. I know. And I know how love works, and I know how he loved me. Loves me? I don’t know. It genuinely feels like he doesn’t give a crap anymore, like he wants nothing to do with me, but I feel like that’s something I’m going to have to deal with until he gets back. I just wish one day a week he could set aside time specifically to email me, any effort.. 

Michael, I know you probably won’t read this, and even if you do.. maybe you’ll be back? Just.. I love you. You are the first person I’ve met that’s actually made me want to get better. You make me want to succeed because you make me realise that I have that potential. I see you doing all these things and being this amazing person who gets shit done, who loves and cares for everyone despite anything else, you are simply wondrous and hun, if you could just have any idea how much I miss you. You are my silly pony princess <3 

037. I wish you would get that I’m serious, so serious. But I don’t think you do. Or I wish you would just..tell me. I need to know. Because this isn’t fun cat and mouse, this is.. frustrating. 

038. I would give up everything if I’m right, and that’s the scariest fact ever.

039. I’ve finally found a group of friends I know I never ever want to lose. Level 5..best thing that’s happened to me in a while. 

040. You all keep saying I’m beautiful and smart and awesome, I wish I could see it. I wish I could believe you. I wish I could feel it. I just wish I could feel

041. heiswaytooadorableanditsjustbadend

042. I feel like I’m being dragged through hell, and the creature dragging me keeps stopping for breaks.

043. I used to shave all the hair off my body that I could reach, except the hair on my head

044. People pointing out my compulsions makes me need to do it more, to gain more control, the control you take away by making a deal out of it.

045. I’m on the meds because they make me suffer, and I want to suffer. I enjoy the pain, I thrive off it, I want it. It’s the only thing that makes it all feel real. 

031. I need you more than I love you, and that’s not your fault.

032. I don’t want to lose the empty, it’s so much better than the sad.

033. I always have it planned, every last detail, knowing it’s there, planned in my head, that’s my biggest safety net After cutting, it’s all I have.

034. I don’t miss you, you fucking prick.

035. If only I could show everyone the stress caused by this all.

 An extra one for today, just because, the first 5 are vague.

036. I wish I’d found his body, just so I’d have more reason to not function

It’s funny how someone, like myself, can be so terrified of blood and penetration of the skin.. but to

Crave that feeling of the blade on my skin.

cold

sharp

Desire to watch to watch the blood trickle

out

down.

You yearn for that second of feeling.

Anything to stop the numb.

The scars.

they are so beautiful.

they are all I have to remind me that feeling exists.

Today, I feel like a burden.

On everyone.

I think this doesn’t affect everyone else,

but it does.

iwanthimtobehere,ineedhimtobehere, but i couldn’t answer, I couldn’t admit to being that weak. I can’t admit to being weak. But I need him. 

He doesn’t need me.

No one needs me.

You are all better off without.

I love you all, you have all tried so hard,

but this is the tipping point I think.

I have no where to go from here.

No way to escape.

Even my happiest feeling.. It feels.. diluted.. saturated.

I don’t even know if it’s real.

Over the years I’ve just got so good at deciding on a feeling and faking it, I can’t differentiate between the two anymore.

Though, there is one feeling, one thought, one that never changes.

It’s always strong and always persistent;

The utterly intoxicating need to not be here.